Consensual Rape. Those words seem like a contradiction, but I have experienced this first hand. And we can only blame ourselves.
The reality of consensual rape came to me due to a sexual encounter about 5 years ago. Now, I didn’t realize then what was going on. I chalked it up to bad sex. I just figured I wouldn’t date him anymore and move on to find a man that could satisfy me. WRONG! This was not the first, or last time I would subject myself to consensual rape.
To explain, allow me to tell you about the encounter. Warning, I will be getting graphic here!
I was 34 and brand new to sobriety. I couldn’t wait to have a sober orgasm! I went out on a few dates with (we’ll call him Brad, because I don’t think I know anyone named Brad). For this date we decided to watch a movie. Yes, Netflix and chill. I was down for it! He was attractive and we had been getting along quite well. So, after giving about 20 minutes of the movie a shot we started making out. I was feeling all sorts of awesome yumminess! Then, just as I was getting aroused, he suggested we go into the bedroom. OK!
He stripped down naked and crawled into bed…..(I was hoping he would slowly remove my clothing, adding to the suspense and desire. But, he was already naked so I followed suit.) When I crawled into bed I couldn’t wait to feel his fingers on my skin and his breath on my neck as he slowly moved around my body!…. Instead, he flipped the covers off and flopped his face down between my legs. Wait, now disappointment was setting in. I wanted caress and touch and breath on me. Here he is, ready to cross the finish line without even warming up! But, he was at least trying to please me, right?
As Brad started an attempt to turn me on with his tongue, I felt him doing a lot of flicking and fast movement. It was actually kind of irritating. I like it slow and soft. I moved away a little so his tongue wasn’t pressed hard on me. In response, he wrapped his arms around my legs and pulled me back in. I started to say “softer please” but it came out so low I’m pretty sure he didn’t hear me (especially with my legs on his ears). Then I attempted to adjust my hips so he wasn’t so close. When I did this he popped up for a second and said “I know what I’m doing” with a soft smile on his face like he was trying to reassure me it wasn’t his first time going down on a woman. I didn’t correct him because I felt I would’ve hurt his feelings. But I really wanted to scream “NO YOU DONT! IM NOT A PORN ACTRESS SO STOP LICKING ME LIKE YOU ARE IN A TONGUE FLICKING COMPETITION!!”
So I lay there trying to enjoy the good parts and ignore the bad parts. Finally I couldn’t take the irritation any more and I grabbed him to come up. When he did, he had the biggest smile on his face. He really thought he had done some kind of oral magic. He had NO clue.
Now with him on top of me I could smell his cologne and feel his kisses again….Ahhh, much better. Then it happened. He went inside of me. Yes I wanted sex with him but, again, I was hoping for soft smooth entry with anticipation. Nope, right in. But I didn’t stop it, I just went along, moaning like it was the best thing on earth. At that moment I was at least glad he was slobbery when he went down on me because if it wasn’t for his saliva, I would’ve ripped in two.
After I faked my orgasm and he had his, we lay in bed holding each other while he tells me how wonderful that was. I wanted to cry. I went to pee and felt the burning. Guess I did rip a little. He offered me a towel for my shower but instead, I asked for a washcloth so I could put cold water on my vagina to soothe the burning. I went straight home with some excuse of not feeling well.
We never went out again.
Fast forward to today and I see what happened. Brad was not bad in bed. I was a bad communicator!
I forgive myself though. I mean, I was taught to shut up and take it by the first man I had sex with, whom was also my first husband. When I had sex with him I was expected to just lay there and receive what was given to me. Not only was I never taught about sex as a youth, I was also never taught how to ask for what I wanted. So I just let him tell me what I liked.
So back to Brad. What happened?… One of the things I liked was that he was a gentleman. He would pull out my chair, open doors, have me order first, hold the umbrella for me. He wanted to please me. He was also hot and I was into him. So why did the sex go so badly?
This ALL could’ve been prevented if I was able to listen to my body and speak on it’s behalf. What was my body saying?
Lets go into the Yoni (I use this term since it applies to the whole female reproductive system and the word vagina only applies to the hole). My yoni was a Yes on the couch and on the way to the bedroom. She was saying “GAME ON!”. She (my yoni) started saying “this isn’t going how I want it” when I stripped off my clothes and got into bed. At that moment, I could’ve told him I wanted things to go slower so I could enjoy the desire and anticipation. He probably would’ve jumped up and put his clothes right back on to do what I asked. But, I didn’t hear her wanting that.
Then, when he pulled off the covers, my yoni was freaking out like the shower curtain had just been ripped back to reveal her naked and soapy. At that moment I could’ve grabbed the covers and told him I wanted to stay cozy with him. Again, he would’ve gladly complied. But I didn’t feel her getting scared.
Before he went down on me I could’ve asked for more foreplay. I could’ve spoke up about how I liked to be touched. But I didn’t. I simply didn’t know how. I couldn’t even create a voice when I tried!
Once he was going inside, I did the only thing I knew. I consented and allowed my yoni to be hurt. I simply couldn’t hear her screams as she was being ripped, or her tears as she was denied pleasure. She went numb and I went to acting. I faked pleasure while she was dying.
I wanted to be touched and loved so badly I went with the flow. The fear of rejection or being told I was wrong. The feeling of not deserving to be touched and loved they way I wanted. There was so much at play here! I acted and sounded like I was having an amazing time while she took the brunt of it.
I forced my yoni to have sex because I wanted to be loved. I consented, and I raped my yoni. I forgive myself because it was the only way I knew how to receive love at that time.
This is why it is so important to learn how to give your yoni a voice. Speak on her behalf because she is the source of your womanhood and the creator of the world. She deserves love and touch and gentleness. She deserves pleasure and joy! She wants to desire and be desired. The only way she can have all those things is for us to speak her truth.
Learn how to hear your yoni! Learn her language. Be her voice. If you don’t know how, I can show you.
I have learned how to hear my yoni, and I have made her a promise that she gets to decide who touches her, how she is touched and when. All I have to do is speak for her.
Men, you can help. Before moving forward with her body, stop and ask her, “how do you like to be touched?” During, dont be afraid to ask “is this ok?”
You will leave her feeling more empowered and allow her to help you be a better lover for her. Just listen, to her body and her words. Its ok to not know how to please her the first time you are with her. We are all different and you are not a mind reader.